muchadoabout nothing

Of late, I've tried writing a few blog posts, but each of them seemed to be engrossed in a bit too much "me" and not enough truth; so here's some truth, haha. "It is not good to have zeal without knowledge" (Prov 19:2). Last year, I wanted to be an RA, but the door was not opened. This year I wanted an internship and I got four, but none of them are seeming to work out. Where at once I may have felt all the control in the world and acted, now I feel an absence of control in almost every regard. The direction of my life is not in my hands; I still do not have a cosigner for my loans (and I can't sign em myself) and the direction of my life would change very dramatically were I to leave school. Part of me always wants to prove reason wrong saying "I can do it even though people say I can't." That's why I like doing things that are a bit dangerous per se; however, it's also what has lead me to do many challenging things, like erecting a porch and laying down a hard wood floor in a barn and that same motivation leads me to become passionate. Because for the most part this is true for everyone: zeal and self-worth are often connected--also life direction is closely tied to where one's passion and self-worth merge (what you think you're good at).

But guess what. It's imprudent to have direction and passion when it's the wrong direction to lead and become passionate about. What's college? That place to find that lead? Nope, not always. Believe it or not, college is man's institution for man's pathways (which God sometimes/often uses...i think) and recently I've felt that I would have more direction in my life were I to leave school. It is not good to have zeal without knowledge "...nor to be hasty and miss the way" (Prov 19:2b)...... As helpless and hopeless as I do feel, I believe where I am in life is a means to an end, and an end to a beginning of a crazy journey, which will have lows-and-highs: highs of the LORD's glory and lows to make me stronger. Such times of decision and lows (also the highs too) are times not to depend on flesh (Jer 17:5) but times to humble myself and appeal as a being that has embraced wisdom enough to not make the same mistakes twice (more like 100x).